TheSnail
07-30-2007, 03:28 AM
I was sitting watching survival man which aint no Bear Grills by any means but this complaining sob started a fire with an ax and a rock. I got all hyped up and decided to make a fire like Bear using just two sticks like in that episode. It was 8:30, I figure I get all the stuff I need before sun down. I took my bayonet and started skinning tree bark for tinder, then some small twigs then some leaves then some bigger branches. Sat there and started spinning a branch on top of a bigger branch. Twenty minutes later I gave up, as it only got warm. Went in the house pissed off, sweating, tired as fuck making me realize it was not as easy as I thought. 5min later I was like fuck that Im gonna start a fire like Bear Grills, so I got on google and looked up how to start a fire with sticks. It was saying to make a bow and then a stick called a drill and something about some base with some v cut bla bla bla. So I went back outside and got a bent stick, got my shoe lace, made a bow, then got a straight stick as the drill and a big stick a base. I went at it and that shit started to smoke. I was like hell yeah, pulled the drill off and there was no amber, just a black hole. So I went at it again crazyer then ever and that shit was smoking big time, so I pulled off the drill and it was just a black hole. About an hour later after breaking one drill and trying two different sized ones I wore out my shoe string and it broke. So then I went and got a nylon string from my sweat pants and that did not have any grip, so I took out my other shoe lace and went at it. 1hr later I needed a break, went in got a beer, started wandering about, and saw this wooden figurine stick that my parents got when they went tothailand, perfect shape and made out of nice dry wood. I approached it but then was like no I dont want to mess it up, I started pacing around the room drinking my beer, then was like fuck it I need it to start a fire. So I grabbed the thailand stick and went at it. Shit was smoking like crazy, things were looking good, I pulled away the thailand stick and saw just a black hole. Shit pissed me off. I went in and got a spoon to put on top of the thailand stick to have less resistance on keeping it balanced. The spoon started to heat up and burn my hand so I used my shirt as an insulator from the heat of the spoon but then the shirt started getting tangled up with the bow. I spent another hour fucking with it till I gave up. Went in the house a more disappointed then anything because I failed as a survival man. Went got another beer but I just held on to it due to my palms being all blister up from 3hrs trying to start a fire. I almost gave up, then was like let me skip the whole making an amber thing with a bow and see if I can turn the amber into a flame from a bundle of string I got and my bark. So I went and got a cordless drill and made a wooden drill bit out of a stick since the thailand stick was too big in diameter to fit the drill. I went at it and it was smoking so much I could not breathe, I lifted the drill and only saw a black hole. At that point I figured it was because on the wood I was using. So I went in and looked around, and found a paint brush so I broke that and used it as a bit. It did not work and smoked less then my tree branch drill and thailand stick. At that point I was out of batteries in the drill so I went down stairs and got another one. During my trip downstairs I laid my eyes on a pool stick, thought about it, figured I dont play pool, so I broke that and used my bayonet to carve it into a nice bit. Put in the fresh battery and went at it. Smoke like hell, lifted it up and there was no amber just a black hole. So 30min later I gave up. Went inside got another beer, then thought whats with that V cut thing in the base they were talking about, maybe the v-cut thing is important. So I got on google again, and read different types of set ups, Some do a v-cut thing some make strait line cut things. So I started thinking its probably got something to do with the potential amber or the black hole getting oxygen. So I went and carved it out, went at it with the drill, it started to smoke but 30 sec later the 2nd battery started to take a shit. So at that point I was like fuck the drill, fuck this and went inside and grabbed another beer. 5min later I came up with the idea of using the amber from a cigarette, so I went outside hot boxed the shit out of it and put the cherry into my bundle of string and bark. I squished it in my hands like Bear Grills does and started blowing on it. All it did was just glow as I ran about looking for more flamable things eventually leading to me burning my hands. Two cigarettes worth of cherries, and trying wrap it the bundle of crap with napkins like a taco, I gave up, threw it down and stomped on it, went inside and got another beer. Sat down and recalled the whole google search and them saying cotton works wonders as tinder. So I checked my shirt, read 100% cotton and went back outside, grabbed the bayonet and cut off a sleeve grabbed the taco I stepped on, and to my surprise still had ambers in it so I didnt need another cig, and wrapped my cotton sleeve around it like a taco X2. I blew on it, it wasnt doing shit, so I blew on it like crazy and it started getting hot, blew on it more and that shit went ablaze. I was so happy, I gatherd all the twigs, sticks and bark I had collected and made a fire on my back porch. I felt like I accomplished something, but then I looked around and saw all the things I destroyed and fabricated into a survival situation, so I grabbed the dogs water bowl and turned out the fire. And here I am. My shoes dont have shoe strings, I have a broken pool stick, broken paint brush, out of a shirt, a burnt and damaged tyland stick that I think I can sand down to look as if nothing happend, 2 cigarettes, nylon string from my pants, 2 dead batteries, A black burn mark on my back porch from the fire, 6 hrs worth of time, blisterd and burnt hands, and my arms feel like Ace Ventura when he got shot with darts. At first when I started writing this I was wondering if anyone knew what I was doing wrong, but right now I dont give a shit. I have failed as a survivor man. I am going out to the woods here shortly on a survivor man mission but I will carry a gun. So I figure if I can carry a flint like Bear Grills, I can use the gun powder from one of my bullets. And If that does not work, well god damn, I guess I'll eat raw meat, berries and mushrooms. Its the battle of the fittest, and how things for me are looking, I have same chances as a skinny albino kid with thick glasses and asthma getting a girl for prom. But I will still go into the woods to survive or die trying.