One of the Funniest Craigslist Post

[TheGodfather]

This had me laughing so much. I found it in the "Best of" section on Craigslist.

:lmfao: :lmfao:

To all the people in my apartment complex

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Date: 2006-12-18, 12:22PM CST


I know we don't live in the poshest place. I understand that our lovely little faux-ski-lodgy pine tree infested area is surrounded by dingy crappy apartment complexes where there's always shootings and stuff.
So, my dear friends, here's a few hints on how not to sink to that level.

1) Black Dude across the hall: I have no problem with you. You and your hot black girlfriend are very nice, and have killed any remnants of racism I had. Just to let you know: everyone can smell your weed in the hall. I smoke weed, too, but I put the towel by the crack in the door so it doesn't drift out. Unless you guys like the cops here - let's try to control the smoke output. Oh, and come on over anytime for some of the good green. Bring your girlfriend.

2) Guy Who Takes Up Two Spaces with your Piece of Shit Car: As you know, parking spots are at a premium on our side of the complex. I have a nice car, and I've not gotten one door ding while living here. Please have faith in your neighbors. If you do not stop this, I will break off your crappy Murray's stick-on spoiler and shove it through your windshield, or possibly up your ass. Thank you.

3) My Indian Neighbors Next Door: I have no problems with you. You keep to yourselves, and that's ok. However, everyone can smell your cooking spices constantly. Please use your vent fan above your stove. I promise it will not break the bank when the electric bill comes. If the constant stench continues I will be forced to retaliate with some good ol' Anglo cabbage cookin'. You won't like that.

4) Mt. Prospect's Finest Police Officers: Thank you for making frequent patrols around our complex. It really does ease my mind to know that about every 1/2 hour, one of you guys cruises through. Please, though, stop using our parking lot for nappy-time. It looks bad, and gives criminals a free ticket to theft-dom. My cop friends tell me that behind malls, restaurants, or closed businesses are much better places to nap than smack in the middle of a busy apartment complex.

5) Guy Who Jams Hillbilly Music on Weeknights: I love country. More importantly, I love country LOUD. Remember that Saturday this summer, we had the hillbilly music volume contest? That was cool. You struck first with some Hank Jr, I fired back with Flatt and Scruggs, and it was all downhill from there. I know we've never spoken, but I think we share a bond from the music. Now that this bond is in place, please stop playing that shit late night on weeknights. I have to sleep, and no amount of Merle Haggard at 80 db will make that happen.

6) Hot Older Wife Upstairs: Please stop hitting on me. You are very attractive in a hagged-out Motley Crue video slut sort of way, and your husband is rarely home. Quit "bumping into me" in the laundry room, parking lot, or front office, and trying to start conversations. You see, there will be a time very soon that I will no longer be able to resist your tight 80's jeans-clad sumptiously large camel toe, and I will rip your pants off right there in the laundry room, throw you onto the washer, and bury my tongue into that deep and hopefully slimy crevasse. I do not think my girlfriend or your husband would like that very much, so let's not shit where we eat, OK? Yes, I will help you carry your laundry up to your place; but I will not come in for "just one drink." I'll let you know if my conscience drops.

7) Mexicans: I know there is a salary requirement to live here; from that same piece of information, I know that you are not dirtbag, drug dealing, gang banging Mexicans. I like your fancy pickup trucks, and I like your hot little latina girlfriends. Please, oh please, stop bumping the carnival music in the parking lot. It makes me feel like I live in Acapulco, 'cept for there's no beaches or mountains here. Just Vatos blasting that Mexi-polka shit. Blast it out on Busse - blast it in your apartment - they're well insulated, nobody can hear it anyway - but please stop in the parking lot.

8) Guy Near Me with the Neurotic, Barking Dog: I understand that dogs will be dogs, and dogs bark. YELLING at your barking dog at 3AM to STOP BARKING does not help. I am near insanity with the barking... barking... barking... YELLING... more barking. I am a dog lover, but also a gun owner. Please do not force me to become a dog hater and a gun user. Thank you.


Location: Forest Cove

It's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

[2.0civic]

lolololol

[Jecht]

haha

[OneSlow5pt0]

lol,nice find

[ATK_Designs]

buahahahahahha................:lmao:

[Kevykev]

funny but what's wanted/for sale?

[kittychick]

:rolleyes: someone has too much time on their hands....
but funny still

[TheGodfather]

its in the rants and raves section.

[dorin48]

:lmfao:

[TheGodfather]

I think I may have found some that may of topped that one.

Keep Your Goddamn Anal Beads Out of the Dishwasher!--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: 2006-06-02, 4:38PM EDT


Dave,

We've been roommates for what? A year and a half now? Three guys living together, we've learned to deal with each other's idiosyncrasies. We let a lot of shit slide. But you need to keep your anal beads out of the dishwaher. If your too damn lazy to wash them by hand, then you and your girlfriend are going to have to "do without". I don't want to see them. Nor do I want you to regale us with the story of how your girlfriend shoved them up your ass the other night. This is just common roommate courtesy. Thank you.

Your roommate.


no -- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests


Posting ID: 167345070



children for sale

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Date: 2005-03-28, 9:03PM CST


I have 2 children for sale. They come as a set. The first one is a 5 yr old female. She has blonde hair and blue eyes. She wears glasses*. This is a result of my poor genetics, or so I have been told by my ex-in-laws. (full disclosure of my poor genetics at bottom.) A little about her: she can read she is bossy* she can run a dvd player she knows how to use her apple computer (will be included if you cover the shipping) she is very good at debating* she knows how to ride a dirtbike she does not require training wheels on her bike (she learned to ride the dirtbike without training wheels before her bicycle) she likes to wash dishes. Not so good at the rinsing part. she loves her brother and tries to hug him every ten minutes she can make sandwiches. She will ask to make you one everyday for lunch. she has mood swings* The second child is a 3 yr old male. He has blonde hair and blue eyes. He does not have glasses but does have a neurological disorder called speech aproxia*. I have been assured that this will be cured by the time he is 7. A little about him: he knows how to run a DVD player he thinks he is a dog so you will be subject to being licked and he likes to eat everything out of a bowl on the floor he also can run an apple computer he is afraid of everything bugs, dogs, shadows, noise, food that is green. He has been known to urinate on himself when encountering anything that frightens him. he likes to take pictures and is much better than his grandma (not on my side) he likes to pick his nose which is convenient for long car rides just remind him he has a nose and this will keep him occupied for hours. he is good at fighting. He can duplicate any move from crouching tiger hidden dragon. He has been known to kick you in the shins when you least expect it. he hates his sister and will tell you this every ten minutes he likes to have his toenails painted* They must be sold as a set. List of accessories they come with: 2 easter baskets full of chocolates. Well actually only half full after today. several sets of clothes 2 bicycles both with very loud sirens on them 1 apple computer if you can afford the shipping 1 bottle of ibuprofen 500 count 1 bottle of amoxicillan that needs to be administered twice a day to the female 1 DVD player and aprx. 40 DVDs. I may be willing to throw in the plasma tv if you act now 1 remote control car that has been known to injure. Please wear shoes if it is in use. a set of Nudist colony barbie and ken dolls all of which did at one point have clothes but decided, perhaps against their will, that a more natural lifestyle was prefered* They also come with a father who has 50/50 custody. He is bullheaded and he claims to have a right to be because he is 39 yrs old. He is also very important, just ask him. He has been known to not show up to get the kids on time so that I can make it to work so you will need a very flexible schedule or a very understanding boss. He also has a coke habit, so you will need to remind him repeatedly of anything important. He is color blind so you will need to check the kids attire before they get dropped off at school. He also does not see anything wrong with the male child wearing shirts with barbie or bows on them. He has even sent him in a dress once and blamed it on his color blindness. If you go on vacation and leave the kids with him the entire time you need to specificly tell him they need to be bathed. I was once suprised to come home after 9 days in Cancun to findout that they had not been in the vicinity of soap in 9 days because I never wrote it on the list of instructions. *The things my poor genetics may have passed on include: poor eyesight from my father, I am a bossy bitch who was on the debate team, forensics, drama club and prelaw club in high school (yes I was a geek, a hot slutty geek)so this may explain the attitude, I also like to be pampered so the peticure fetish may be my fault, I also like to walk around naked. The price I am asking is $19.99 for buy one get one free. I recently had my tubes tied so I would not be able to make you a third for a complete set. Also there is no way in hell their father is touching me with his 4 inch cock ever again, so there wouldnt even be any guarantees that the third child would be a blonde haired, blue eyed, pure german baby. I hope I have given enough information for you to make a well informed buy. Please only serious responses. They have school in the morning and I am so ready for spring break to be over. After a morning without them I may change my mind about selling them. Actually now that they are asleep and I went and checked on them they look like little angels. I will keep them. this is in or around north of you
Posting ID: 65902889


To my neighbor the sex god

Date: 2006-07-02, 10:05AM PDT


You sir are a sex god. I know you are because I have heard so many different women screaming in mind and body shaking orgasm's. I have heard up to three different women in one night screaming. I know you are not just watching a porno because I look out and see different cars in the driveway. I also have to comend you on your obvious stamina.

Have you noticed we live in a duplex? That our bedrooms are seperated by a wall of rather dubious construction?

Could I be so brazen as to offer some constructive critisism? First banging thier heads against our poorly constructed wall is not good practise. Although I am sure you have already fucked their brains out, there could be other things in there that might be injured. It's just unsafe. Also considering how the wall is constructed I live in fear of waking one night to see their hgead poked through the wall and them staring at me. Please back up a foot or so. Second all that screaming is not only waking me it is giving me a headache. Could I suggest either pillows over their faces or panties in their mouths?

Thank you

PS when is it my turn?



this is in or around Vancouver
no -- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

Posting ID: 177707570

[OneSlow5pt0]

lol

[Sol-Badguy]

lirl to all of them.

[srtowner]

thats some funny shit right there, I don't care what nobody says.