Brett
01-09-2007, 12:46 PM
George Carlin's new rules for 2007
> New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com!
There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't
particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of
the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.
> New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have
sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better
description for these kids: lucky bastards.
> New Rule: If you need to shave and you still
collect baseball cards, you're gay. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.
> New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone.
Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
> New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water.
There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket? Water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want
flavored water? Pour some Jack Daniels over ice and let it melt.
hat's your flavored water.
> New Rule: Stop f***ing with old people. Target
is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to
open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, youj ust solved the Social Security crisis.
> New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks
order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice , with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole.
> New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I
look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.
> New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese
characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time
you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant.
You're not spiritual. You're just high.
> New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's
one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait.
They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."
> New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M.
If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.
> New Rule: If you're going to insist on making
movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the
first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.
> New Rule: No more gift registries. You know,
it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.
> New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more
bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a
mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if
he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't
want to be on your webcam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.
> New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is,
I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just
fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.
> New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com!
There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't
particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of
the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.
> New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have
sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better
description for these kids: lucky bastards.
> New Rule: If you need to shave and you still
collect baseball cards, you're gay. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.
> New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone.
Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
> New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water.
There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket? Water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want
flavored water? Pour some Jack Daniels over ice and let it melt.
hat's your flavored water.
> New Rule: Stop f***ing with old people. Target
is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to
open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, youj ust solved the Social Security crisis.
> New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks
order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice , with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole.
> New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I
look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.
> New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese
characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time
you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant.
You're not spiritual. You're just high.
> New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's
one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait.
They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."
> New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M.
If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.
> New Rule: If you're going to insist on making
movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the
first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.
> New Rule: No more gift registries. You know,
it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.
> New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more
bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a
mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if
he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't
want to be on your webcam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.
> New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is,
I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just
fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.